Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

HEALTH AND SAFETY NOTICE
 
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public.

This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

sent in by Gary Kearns - Kuwait and on the road......



Drunken Santas on a rampage in New Zealand, armed German robbers in Santa disguises, a British St. Nick wanted for flashing, and a Swedish vandal in a Santa outfit are giving the big man in red a bad name this year.

Reports of "Bad Santas" breaking the law or otherwise wreaking havoc have been circulating around the world.

Armed with a gun, a man in a Santa outfit held up a furniture store in Germany Saturday and forced two cashiers to open the safe. He filled his sack with cash, locked the two women in the safe and escaped.

One Santa was stopped by police for driving 90 mph on a northern German motorway, 50 mph over the speed limit.

Last week an inebriated half-naked Santa disrupted a Christmas market in Denmark before police intervened.

That incident paled in comparison to what happened in Austria Saturday when 40 drunken Santas rampaged through the city center, stealing from stores and assaulting security guards in a protest against Christmas becoming too commercial.

In Britain, police said they were looking for a Santa acting suspiciously -- a flasher who exposed himself to women.

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

  Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

sent in by Yashi in Fiji

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable...'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!! !'

A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears.

"What's the matter, buddy?" he asked.

"I wrote home for my parents to send money, so that I could buy an expensive 30-volumes Encyclopedia. And they sent me the Encyclopedia!"

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap,
the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away,
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

sent in by Pam Drysdale  - Tauranga

"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to.
Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'"

 -Conan O'Brien

If all is not lost, where is it?

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are readyfor milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."

  Did you ever wonder? 

They should come with a downloadable .pdf guide.....

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send them on bus tours!'

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book.
I guess that would explain why he's average.

....the rear view of Mout Rushmore......means from the other side of the hill.

Text Messaging, Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife; My Love, If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams. If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile. If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears. I Love You. Wife Text Back : I'm Shopping, Sending the Bills

Bhakta dasa ACBSP - Thailand

hey its evolution of the species

Just figured out why I'm overweight! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body".
I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

posted by my daughters Tungabhadra and Kirtida Sundari on Facebook

Bananas as you know them

The secret lives of bananas

The world is a dangerous place to live,
not because of the people who are evil in it,
but because of the people who do nothing about it.

Albert Einstein

Bart Simpson on detention

Kali yuga mentality:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from
the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the
lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't
give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and
she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know
that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry,
I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

sent in by Gary Kearns - Q8

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they previously thought was extinct.
Scientists say the dolphin is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."

Conan O'Brien

Apparently Apple,  the makers of iPod have scrapped the name of their latest touch phone project of iPod for kids,
after realizing the product name "iTouchKids" wasn't in anyone's best interest.

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's children's world travels: one son was teaching in Boston, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

From what I understand there are still "incurable romantics" . . . we really need better antibiotics.

Father & Son

An illiterate father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They setup their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later father wakes his son and asks 'Look up to the sky and tell me what u see?'
Son: I can see millions of stars.
Father: and what does that tell u?
Son: Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

Father slaps him and says: Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!

MORAL: Education ruins your common sense..!

sent in by Mo Smith - UK

The ways of this material world - strange but true

Absolutely True:

Police in Daytona Beach are investigating the burglary of the police chief's home over the weekend that happened while he was giving a lecture on crime prevention.

Police Chief Chet Chitwood was speaking to neighborhood watch members
Friday about working with the police depart- ment to prevent burglaries when his home was targeted.

Chitwood returned home to find the place ransacked and his TV, stereo, laptop, watch and other items missing.

He said the burglar or burglars jimmied open the side door of his house and broke his patio doors to haul his stuff out.

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. You never pay me a compliment anymore, pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's pretty near perfect."

Christianity is so confusing:

"I'm confused," Little Johnny admitted to his teacher.

"Tell me about it," said his teacher, "and I will try to help you understand."

"I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus," said Little Johnny, "But then I went to the ball game, and
everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"

A guy walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says "fifty dollars for three questions."

    The man responds, "Isn't that awfully expensive?"

    "Yes," the lawyer replies, ".....what's your third query?"

Birdz 'n bbbbbbbbz talk

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. This response caused the judge to rise from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.

"Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!

New Zealand hockey team playing away - The Black Sticks

"Which are the real Seven Wonders of the World?"

A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:

1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear

She hesitated a little, and then added

5. to feel
6. to laugh!
7. and to love

The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop.  Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous.

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Not the yuga dharma

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a
fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!

The perfect sign for your desk........

Frank came into his wife's room one day.  "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't fulfill my marital obligations to you any more?" he asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails."Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?"
Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more.  Would you still love me then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face.
"Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him,
"but most of all, I'll really miss you."

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure!  What about?" replied mother.

"Well, I'm already fourteen and..  I think it's just proper that I should own one."

"Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously.

"Could you buy me a push-up bra?"

"No."

"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."

"Nope."

"I think it would be just proper at my age..."

"I said no way...!"

"But all of my friends wear.......!"

"Andrew!  How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?

The third grade was being given a course in first aid.

The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "I'd climb through the window!

only in India

In Memorium
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,

which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote

"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting his body into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

sent in by Gary Kearns - Q8

bogged down with paperwork.......

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

 I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

sent in by Gary Kearns Q8

The irony of BP environmental message...............

The recession

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can`t afford batteries.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds" you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children`s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn`t afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally ...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., that I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

sent in by Shahin Maghsoudhi - Auckland

On the first day of vacation, a girl fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned,
"Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of scuba diving?"

The doctor replied, "This IS your last day of diving.



It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

You know you're old when...they've discontinued your blood type.

A busload of lawyers were driving down a country road, when all
of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to
investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the lawyers had gone. The old
farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer,

"You mean they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't,
but you know how them lawyers lie."

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Buddhist road to enlightenment

There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.
-- J. J. Procter

PRANKS

Fresh paint bench.
http://www.wimp.com/freshpaint/

Explaining visual math in a simple way.
http://www.wimp.com/visualway/

Red flag prank.
http://www.wimp.com/flagprank/

Car crash scare prank.
http://www.wimp.com/carprank/

Parking ticket tease.
http://www.wimp.com/parkingticket/

Prank: Two Japanese girls turn into old Japanese men.
http://www.wimp.com/japanesegirls/

The barber asked, "What's wrong?  You look down."
   His customer replied, "I'm just depressed, I guess."
   The barber told him, "Cheer up.  I once knew a guy who was several thousands in debt, with no way out.  He drove to the edge of a cliff, where he sat until some concerned citizens passed a hat around.  His problem was solved through the kindness of others.  He pulled away from the cliff."
  "Incredible!  Who were those people?"
  The barber replied,"The passengers on his bus!

Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

Kids!

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery.

He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember,  if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Digital Age Evolution........

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, the Avon lady knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back. "Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus
conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.
After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits
her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear
dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12
pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the
chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According
to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he isfreed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out
tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat
on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser,
breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the
12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not
harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes
him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy
won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his
temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus
ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again
survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his
professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free
again, he asks him his secret --

"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend.
"I'm just a bad conductor."

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with the Police Academy Board who would determine her suitability as a candidate.

The first situation they presented to her was: "On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?" Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!" She was accepted.

Solution

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The rabbi called them into his study the next day.

Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it you are walking so freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi asked

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused, and then said, "But I boiled and then cooled them first!"

Social Ego-nomics......and the public just voted for the same in NZ too LOL

A cop pulls over a man for speeding. Thinking quickly, the man says to the officer,

"It's an emergency - my mother's in the back seat. She took an overdose of reducing pills."

Checking the back seat, the officer shook his head. "But I don't see anyone back there, sir."

"Oh, no!" cried the man - "I'm too late!"

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"



The grass grows greener on the other side
because your neighbor's septic tank leaks.
Erma Bombeck

Evil in motion, NOT Evolution......

When the unemployed stand-up comedian got a job with a demolition company,
he finally brought down the house.



Driving home from her office one summer day, a woman noted that there were four places within two blocks of her home
where she could stop and buy a five-cent glass of iced tea.

Each little stand had two or three youngsters behind it, all eager to serve any customer who came their way.

During the next two weeks, the woman managed to stop at each of the stands to encourage the entrepreneurs.

In each case the tea was very good.

Small talk revealed that all the youngsters were selling tea made by their mothers, who used tea leaves and real lemons in making the tea.

One day the woman discovered that only one stand was operating.

Behind it was the new kid on the block.

She stopped and ordered a glass of tea. It was served in a paper cup and it cost 10 cents.

Some conversation brought out the fact that the young man's father was a lawyer who specialized in mergers, which had inspired the boy to buy out his competitors, bartering with baseball cards, marbles, and stuff he had laying around in his garage.

His first act, he explained, was to raise the price of the iced tea, and cut costs.

He was using a powdered tea mix from the supermarket, he said, which eliminated buying real lemons as well as the bother of squeezing them or putting them in the juicer. He didn't have to brew real tea either, he pointed out. He had plans to cut costs further, he said, and with his competitors out of the market,
he expected sales to grow.

Intrigued, the woman made a half dozen more stops at the stand and became aware that the tea was getting weaker and weaker.

One day the young man confessed that sales were dropping and he attributed this to the fact that he was using less and less of the powdered-tea mix.

Then one day he went out of business, as attempts to turn things around failed.

The moral of this story is: Honest tea is the best policy.

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked
down, the water was full of pennies."

"Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor.

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!"
she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is
nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."



A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on...You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Ekendra prabhu's post on Facebook

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings  his friends with him.While he's talking to his  grandmother, his friend finishes off some
Peanuts on the coffee table.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck
The chocolate off 'em."



The God That Jokes

Occasionally, noting an especially ironic or remarkable occurrence in our life, we may quip, "Krishna has a sense of humor."
Indeed, His Vrindavan pastimes definitely show that.

As Uddhava tells it, one day Krishna entered a greenhouse—dressed as a gardening girl. He so enthralled the cowherd girls with His jokes and laughter that His exit left them stunned. In their ecstasy, though the horticultural tasks were unfinished, their minds and eyes departed with Him.

Besides Krishna, the residents of Vraj can also initiate the mirth and merriment. Just hear how one of the gopis wisecracked at Kutila, sister of Abhimanyu, and the lets-pretend husband of Srimati Radharani:

"My dear Kutila, daughter of Jatila, your breasts are as long as string beans—simply dry and long. Your nose is so gorggeous that it defies the beauty of the noses of frogs. And your eyes are more beautiful than the eyes of dogs. Your lips defy the flaming cinders of fire, and your abdomen is as beautiful as a big drum. Therefore, my dear beautiful Kutila, you are the most beautiful of all the cowherd girls of Vrindavan, and because of your extraordinary beauty, I think you must be beyond the attraction of the sweet blowing of Krishna's flute!"

In addition to such funniness among Krishna and His devotees mentioned in Nectar of Devotion, we can find in Lord Chaitanya's pastimes a special brand of humor.

The grandfather of Mahaprabhu, Nilambara Chakravarti, and the father and uncle of Raghunatha das were warm friends. Lord Chaitanya was of the same age as Raghunatha das, and he took advantage of their elders' close relationship to jest with him.

"Your father and his elder brother are both related as brothers to My grandfather, Nilambara Chakravarti. Therefore I consider them My grandfathers.

"Since your father and his elder brother are younger brothers of Nilambara Chakravarti, I may joke about them in this way."

Let's see if we are bold and clear enough to relish Mahaprabhu's transcendental gag. Fasten your seat belts.

"My dear Raghunatha dasa, your father and his elder brother are just like worms in stool in the ditch of material enjoyment, for the great disease of the poison of material enjoyment is what they consider happiness."

Srila Prabhupada writes in his purport:

"When a man is attached to material enjoyment, he is attached to many miserable conditions, but nevertheless he accepts his condemned position as one of happiness. Sense enjoyment is so strong for such a person that he cannot give it up, exactly as a worm in stool cannot give up the stool. From the spiritual point of view, when a person is too absorbed in material enjoyment, he is exactly like a worm in stool. Although such a position is utterly miserable to the eyes of liberated souls, the materialistic enjoyer is greatly attached to it." (See Antya-lila 6: 196-199 for deeper insight)

May Sri Gaura Hari's joke be on us. Bring that day on, when we can also, from a mature standpoint of detachment and realization, have the last bhakti laugh.

His Holiness Devamrita Swami

A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.  The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,  "No, I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my eyes."



A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots,
brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'.



......and always remember, the complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.



"It's always ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end"

Vickie Hill.

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and
entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,

"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,

"Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign.
I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"



I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.



After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen...but doctors said it will get better in time..............

My riend, Tom, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?

Tom obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

Tom became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons, he knew that.......... What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tom.

"Errr Sorry," he said sheepishly, "the dog ate your lunch."

Three monks met and decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side. When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other clothes to dry." He, too, walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine?
I can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, he climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"



For those who don't have enough arguments in their lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM&NR=1&feature=fvwp

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Bumper Stickers

(Actual bumper sticker sightings)

"All generalizations are false."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."

"Sex is a misdemeanor. . . The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"

"Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Forget about World Peace. . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Auntie Em, Hate you; Hate Kansas; Taking the dog. --Dorothy."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

Things To Keep In Mind

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains might fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up
the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the
situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"The Balcony"

sent in by Shahin Maghsoudhi - Auckland



Most Extreme Sport
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FTn3ikAkC8

How to take bath quicly using the "Crazy Water Slide"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi3-kQVD0ik&NR=1
 

Check out these guys having fun on a 300ft slip n slide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W0zgI9mmS8&feature=related

Fresh paint bench.
http://www.wimp.com/freshpaint/

Only two people have ever won both a Nobel Prize and an Oscar - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) and Al Gore (1948-).
 
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

 GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP



The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK
should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:  'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )

sent in by Pam Drysdale  - Tauranga



Check this out....funny tribute to muthers.

http://youtu.be/rCbPqi3virQ

The next one was funny too, I counted more than a few things that my mom told me (-:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ&feature=related

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

SARDARJI bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
 

SARDARJI : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
SARDARJI : No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
 

SARDARJI : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
SARDARJI  : Can I take it  tomorrow, tonight is final game.
 

SARDARJI Â : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
SARDARJI : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again..
 

SARDARJI Â complained to the police: 'Sir, all the items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'Howz that the thief did not take the TV?'
SARDARJI : 'I was watching TV news...'
 

SARDARJI Â comes back to his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
 

How do you recognize  a SARDARJI  in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
 

Once a SARDARJI was walking. He had a glove only on one hand .
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
 

SARDARJI Â : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
SARDARJI Â - If only the winner will get the cup, then why are the others running?
 

Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
SARDARJI : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

sent in by Yashi  - Fiji islands



A Blonde lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're all dead."



You should be very careful before choosing a name for your website

As these real world examples prove.

All of these are legitimate companies, who didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear!  They are hysterical!

These are not made up.
Check them out yourself!

1.   'Who Represents'is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange'is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen?
Look no further than' Pen Island '.
It can be found at:
http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist?  Try
'Therapist Finder' at:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

6.'IP computer'software,
there's always:
http://www.ipanywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art'
await you at their wacky Web site:
http://www.speedofart.com
 
sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
--Agatha Christie
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
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Don't marry for money; you can borrow itcheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
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I don't worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give
you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
--Anonymous
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Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later,
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
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Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
--wedding ring
---suffering
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When a newly married couple smiles,
everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is aneye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.She got a
mud pack and looked great
for two days.Then the mud fell off.
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?
"Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in!"
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If your dog is barking at the back door
and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course..at least he'll shut up
after you let him in!
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back towards his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

sent in by Yajnesh Rajani - Malawi

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”.  Then we all go to the Bahamas.

sent in by Radhacharan prabhu TKG

occupy Wall Street.

You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy.



Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Ever tried to iron an elephant?
 

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't. You get down off a duckling.
 
 

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant?
"Grapes are purple."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the elephants!"

What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Voila les elephants!". (is this an old George joke or what?  + Nicolas Sarkozy said just isn't the same)
 

What did Jane say when he she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the grapes!" (She was color blind.)

How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're color blind?
Dance on it for a while. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?
With all these dumb jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?

What did Tarzan say when he saw the water buffalo coming over the hill?
"Ha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

What did Tarzan say as he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing pink tee-shirts?
"They must all be on the same team."

What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming over the hill?
Nothing, elephants can't talk.
 

Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink into the sand.

Why do ostriches walk around with their heads in the sand?
They're looking for elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

What's the gook between elephants' toenails?
Slow Yao.

How do you make an elephant stew?
Keep him waiting for a few hours!
 

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a yellow elephant gun.

Why do elephants have trunks?
1) Because they don't have glove compartments.
2) Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.

What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.

What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free parking

Where do baby elephants come from?
BIG storks.

Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between 2 and 4 each afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so small?
Because they go into the jungle between 2 and 4 every afternoon.

What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow pygmies.

Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.

How did the elephant hide on the pool table?
He was wearing a green hat.

How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your bathtub?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Where do you find elephants?
It depends on where you lost them.

How do elephants get up into oak trees? They sit on an acorn and fall asleep.

How do elephants get out of oak trees? They sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn.

Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat? They walk under trees in Autumn.

Why are elephants large, lumpy, and grey?
Because if they were small, round, and white, they'd be aspirins.

Why does an elephant wear red sneakers? So he can hide in a cherry tree.

Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? No? Works, doesn't it?
Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes? To hide in the tall, tall grass.
Why do elephants wear white tennis shoes? Because their red and green ones are in the wash.
How do you fit four elephants in a Volkswagen? Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you fit six elephants into a Volkswagen? Silly, everyone knows you can't fit six elephants in a Volkswagen!
How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? You can see his footprints in the butter.

What do you do when an elephant sneezes?
1.) Get out of the way.
2.) Say "Gezunheit."

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
She thought it was a game.

Why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.

What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
Well, if you don't know then how do you get your mail?

Why do elephants paint each toenail a different color?
So they can hide in jelly bean jars.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a jelly bean jar?
See, it works!

Why did the elephants wear pink tee-shirts?
They were all on the same team.

What looks like an elephant and flies?
A flying elephant.

How do you catch an elephant? Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut.

What was the elephant doing crossing the road? About 4 miles per hour!!

Why do elephants wear bright green nail polish? So they can hide in the pea patch.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a pea patch? Good disguise eh?

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I can't believe you actually clicked on that