Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager,
"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Little Christine ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.  "What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother.

"My doll!  Bobby broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Christine?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

from Patricia

A lady stumbles into the police station with a black eye. She says, "I heard a noise in my back yard and went to investigate.
The next thing I knew, I was hit in the eye and knocked out cold."

An officer was dispatched to her house to investigate.
He returned several hours later with a black eye.
His captain asked, "Did you get hit by the same person?"

"No, I stepped on the same rake."

The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs.

I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.

Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city.

He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."

Every man is the builder of a temple called his body.

Henry David Thoreau

        Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them

     into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

        They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

 The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

        Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while

     attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

        Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

        After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

        Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Bhakta Gary Kearns - Q8

When a customer left their cell phone in my store, I scrolled through the saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send.

Their mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Mahendra," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Remember:

Each time  you throw dirt, you're losing ground.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is
pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to
woman and pregnancy to pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!

King  Arthur  and the Witch,

  Young King  Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of  a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed  Arthur but was moved by his youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered Arthur his freedom, as long as he  could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would  have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a  year, he still had no answer, he would be put to  death.

The  question?...What do women really want? Such a  question would perplex even the most knowledgeable  man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible  query. But, since it was better than death, he  accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer  by year's end.

He  returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:  the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the  court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one  could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many  people advised him to consult the old witch, for  only she would have the answer.

But the  price would be high; as the witch was famous  throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she  charged.

The last  day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but  to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the  question, but he would have to agree to her price  first.

The old  witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble  of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's  closest friend!

Young  Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and  hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,  made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered  such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused  to force his friend to marry her and endure such a  terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the  proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said  nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to  Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round  Table.

Hence, a  wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered  Arthur's question thus:

What a  woman really wants, she answered....is to be in  charge of her own life.

Everyone  in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had  uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would  be spared.

And so it  was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his  freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful  wedding.

The  honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling  himself for a horrific experience, entered the  bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most  beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on  the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had  happened

The beauty  replied that since he had been so kind to her when  she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be  her horrible deformed self only half the time and  the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which  would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or  night?

Lancelot  pondered the predicament. During the day, a  beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at  night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?  Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during  the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to  enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would  YOU do?

What  Lancelot chose is below.

   BUT....make YOUR choice before  you scroll down below.

   OKAY?

Noble  Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the  choice herself.

Upon  hearing this, she announced that she would be  beautiful all the time because he had respected her  enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to  this story?

Scroll  down

  
 
The moral  is......
If you  don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are  going to get ugly

A funeral company has caused controversy in Brazil after releasing TV ads that say: "Our clients have never come back to complain."

Some TV stations have received complaints after showing the ads.

A funeral company spokeswoman claims, "It is difficult to deal with death. If you humor it you help to break the barriers and make things easier."

Stumpy, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Stumpy walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Stumpy replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us."

"Ohh..." said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, Your grandparents found us under a rock."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf," said the parent, now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

  Did you ever wonder? 

Many years ago my just married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening.
She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.

She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks.
He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license. (Jay Leno)

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed.
However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that
she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced, "One hundred and sixty-three."

......or me LOL

On vacation, a little boy asked his mother: "Can I go swimming in the sea?"

No darling, you can't," she replied. "The sea's way too rough, there's a dangerous offshore current,
and this stretch of coast- line is supposed to be plagued with jellyfish and sharks."

"But Daddy's gone swimming in the sea," protested the boy.

"I know," said the mother "But Daddy has excellent life insurance."

AND just when you thought it was safe to get on the bus:

A Swedish male bus driver has decided to skirt his company's shorts ban - by driving in a dress.

The bus company does not allow drivers to wear shorts, so Tigris Lundgren claims he has found the ideal solution.

He arrives to work in a dress. According to the regulations there are no rules against driving in dresses.

The manager of the bus company says he was surprised when he saw Mr. Lundgren in a dress, but will not take action as he is not doing anything illegal.

I'm sorry if you are in any way offended with this next joke, I just thought it hillarious:

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke.
He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.

The Doctor attending and prescribed continued intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
"What good will Viagra do him in that condition" the nurse inquired.

"It will keep the sheet off of him."

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.

"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed.
Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"

"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic", replied the foreign driver.

"Well, let this time be a warning, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

Doctor Bloomberger was known for his extraordinary treatment of arthritis.

One day he had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle!
You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that Dr. Bloomberger do?"

"He gave me a longer cane."

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

I'm sure you've heard this:
"Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

sent in by Gary Kearns - Q8

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

~Sir Norman Wisdom

California -161 years ago!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
 

So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

One Sunday morning, the pastor got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices,
and lo and behold his name was listed. He thought, "I wonder if the deacons have seen it?"

He got on the phone and called one of the deacons and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"

He said, "Yes, sir."

The pastor said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"

He said, "Yes, I did. (Silence)
Preacher, where are you calling from?"

The ways of this material world - strange but true


Despite a recent posting on eBay, New Zealand is not for sale.

Someone in Australia offered to sell the country to the highest bidder. Bidding reached 3,000 Australian dollars before eBay pulled the auction.
Twenty-two bids had been made.

hahaha nice one Aussie

At their yard sale, my daughters put all of the "junk" they just wanted to get rid of in a carton marked "Free Box."

Moments after they set it at the end of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with the box.

.....BUT we DID choose to come here !!!!!

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem.

The perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the
grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the news-paper will print your age."

if only it were not so true........

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "Christians have their special holidays,
such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur;
Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays.
It's an unfair discrimination."

"What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years."

"I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When is this special day honoring atheists?" "April first."

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

On a romantic date Sardar Ji's girl friend asks him, "Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?"
Sardar Ji: "Sure ! What's your phone number?"

Not the yuga dharma

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

~H. L. Mencken

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, "Why after all these years don't we see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, reverend," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

When I was a child, I accidentally saw my grandparents having sex.
 
My psychiatrist tells me that's why I'm afraid of prunes.



Way down in the country, a farmer went over to his neighbor's house and asked his neighbor, "Does your horse smoke?"
 
The neighbor answered, "No."
 
The farmer asked, "Are you sure?"
 
The neighbor said, "Sure, I am sure."
 
The farmer replied, "Then your stable is on fire"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know---the one that is red and has thorns?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said, turning to the kitchen.

"ROSE!" he shouted.

"What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

only in India

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."

To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"



Some people can tell time by looking at the sun,
but I've never been able to see the numbers.

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.

Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the Customer Service counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."



As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."

One day, an employee received an unusually large check/cheque. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

"How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake - but not two in a row!"

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

Evolution of man explained

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work...."



The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they worried someone will clean them?



Proof that you can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in southwestern Oklahoma,  some senior boys played a prank this spring.

They let three goats loose inside the school.  But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats:  1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.

Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Mom replied.

"Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

A man was struck down by a bus on a very busy street. As he was lying near death after being pulled up onto the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators began to gather around him. "My God, a priest. Somebody get a priest!" the critically injured man gasped.

A policeman checked the crowd, and yelled out, "Is anyone here a priest?"

Out of the large crowd stepped a little old man of at least 80-years-of-age.

"Mr. Policeman," said the old man, "I'm not a priest or even a preacher, I'm not even a Christian. But for 50-years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, in fact, most of it.
So, maybe I can be of some comfort and assistance to this poor injured man here?"

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd away so the old man could get through to where the! injured man was lying. The old fellow knelt down beside him, leaned over him, and said in a solemn voice, "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, 0-72........BINGO"



Over the years, my wife and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my wife wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," she said.

Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Womens."

"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."



Little Stumpy wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Stumpy replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Stumpy excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby. You can wait there."

How karma works

Of all the utensils that could have been invented to eat grains of rice with, how did two small straight sticks win out?

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a young man in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "Sir, we have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature."

Yummy ........

Did you hear about the cross-eyed dog kept barking up the wrong tree.

Watch out: If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.  Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays.
But I did not lose my faith in Yahweh. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

-Benny Hill (1924-1992)

I just got off the phone with a friend in the Christchurch region

He said that since early this morning the snow has been falling heavily and it is nearly waist high.
The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing, and his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Talking of Christchurch; the snow down there is really the icing on the quake.



"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite and long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, hell, that explains why no one was at church today."

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"



Signs For The Stupid.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the- road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked, "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles. (Stephen Colbert)

After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. (Jimmy Kimmel)

He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot. (Jon Stewart)

The most-wanted terrorist in the world was living in a moldy, million-dollar mansion in a gated community just outside of Islamabad. It took the CIA five years to figure out the four-digit code to get in. One important missed clue was that Osama was living at 72 Virgins Way. He might still be alive today if only he hadn't borrowed his neighbor's shoulder-mounted rocket launcher and never returned it. (Ann Coulter)

Osama bin Laden was growing marijuana in his compound. He's in real trouble now. (David Letterman)

Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, "Dude ..." (Conan O'Brien)

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my La-brador retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I woke up in the hospital because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."

-- Anonymous

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the flesh of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize.
That changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."

There was a long silence.

Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I have bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.
However, that is not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

irony in transition !!!!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 miscellaneous Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

IT help desk outsourced to Pakistan

A blonde was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?"

"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, out they go!"



Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them on the foot.

The fisherman screamed, 'An alligator just bit off one of my toes.'

'Which one?' his buddy asked.

'How do I know!' the wounded angler friend said in disgust.

'All alligators look alike to me!'

As told by a friend:
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.

So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."



No one is funnier than people who take themselves too seriously.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

Poser

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

 1. Banana 2. Dresser 3. Grammar 4. Potato 5. Revive 6. Uneven 7. Assess

 Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully.
You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....

 No, it is not that they all have at least

 2 double letters.... Let me know if you found the answer - I didn't!

Answer to poser: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word,
and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

Researchers in India have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.

Banta Singh took his wife Santi Kaur to see a psychiatrist for a check up.

After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you.
There is nothing I can do to help your
wife. Her mind has completely gone."

"I'm not really surprised," Banta Singh replied, "Santi's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint.
They collided.  At last report, the survivors were marooned.

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke.

If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."

Should a Child Witness Childbirth? (Here's your answer.)

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'
 

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

sent in by Pam Drysdale

Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I can't believe you actually clicked on that