Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

1951 Chevy Roadrunner

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously.

They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blonde Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied,
"When I hold up the other finger."

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

sent in by Bhaktimarg dd - NZ

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

My daughter started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit.

After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.

She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.

its all about choosing the right name........

Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Ever tried to iron an elephant?

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't. You get down off a duckling.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, here come the elephants!"



Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"

"No," Darryl replies.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."

"Oh," responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And Tom says: "eeeeeeeew, then why did you step in it?"

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
 
  -- Douglas Adams

  Did you ever wonder? 

at the wailing wall

PHIL  WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

 Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
 Contestant: Er . . .
 Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
 Contestant: Blimey?
 Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no.  The past participle of run . . .
 Contestant:  (Silence)
 Wood: OK, try  it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
 Contestant: Walked?

my dear Lord Nrsimhadev....I am your servant's servant

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

This bloke had a parrot which was renowned for its cursing and swearing nearing Christmas he warned the parrott to behave itself .The parrot ignored this warning and even increased the amount and volume of profanity. Incensed the bloke grabbed it and threw it into the freezer,
after half an hour filled with remorse he took the parrot back out.

The parrot looked up at him and said in a very humble and contrite voice  ' I am really sorry for my very bad language and I promise not to swear again ."

The bloke was amazed at these words then the parrot went on to say "by the way what did the turkey do wrong?"

"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two biscuits in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"

Peter replied "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!
Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're a dullard.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

and the irony is that Itally is around Adelaide, and Greece is around Melbourne

Too late

A cop pulls over a man for speeding. Thinking quickly, the man says to the officer,

"It's an emergency - my mother's in the back seat. She took an overdose of reducing pills."

Checking the back seat, the officer shook his head.

"But I don't see anyone back there, sir."

"Oh, no!" cried the man - "I'm too late!"

from Patricia

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.  The first blonde says,

"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other,

"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! Its a miracle, He's done it again!"

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in California:
when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death.  They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other.  They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.  He died in her home.

A few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off.  She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before.  She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her.  She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now!  Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.  Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."

And it went off.  She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. The priest hesitated and then said, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"

the brand of champions

New scientific theory

Sardar Banta badly wanted to be known as a great man. So after long research he made a new addition to Newton’s law.

And was nominated for the 2010 Nobel Prize for his new   "Theory of Motion..." and it says
"Loose motion can never take place in slow motion: the looser the motion the faster the pace!"

brooms for beating the mind, as seen outside the temple room

Finding a Solution

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums.
This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.

The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.

None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation,
handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

from Patricia

An older professor from the Cleveland Institute of Music was discussing with students the evolution of the use of music at funeral services.

As the session progressed, he admitted he thought the entire business of funerals and wakes was nonsense.

"In fact,' he boasted, "I don't attend any of my friends' wakes."

The students were shocked.

"Why should I go to theirs?" He explained, "They obviously won't be attending mine!"

Ceiling mural in a smokers lounge

The ways of this material world - strange but true

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!

Once A Teacher Always A Teacher

As a schoolteacher expecting my first child, I had attended natural-childbirth classes.  One of my classmates was in the hospital in labor at the same time I was.  She quickly requested drugs to ease her pain, while I gave birth aided only by my husband's coaching.  When the nurses rolled me out of the delivery room, I spotted a chalkboard.  Beside my classmate's name was an A-; next to mine was a B+.

"Alan, look at that!" I complained to my husband.  "She took all the drugs they'd give her and made an A-.  I did it naturally and only got a B+."

My patient husband rolled his eyes. "Kathy," he said, "that's your blood type!"

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are  probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the  older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The  preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the  younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

"A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands. The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog". The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the  newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot"."

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Job Applicant "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

Employer "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

Employer "More than we can use already."

Applicant (as he is getting desperate), "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant (as he stands up and angrily yells), "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat. We may just have an opening."

from Patricia

Not the yuga dharma

A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each
morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball,
place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his
lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top
of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!



DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

A is a real measurement of time, a "jiffy" is 1/100 of a second.

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."



Heard about the virtual Van Gogh(said GO) family?
Vincent's dizzy aunt=Verti Gogh
His brother who loves prunes= Gotta gogh
His magician uncle= Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin= Ah Me Gogh
His ballroomdancing aunt= Tang Gogh
His bird loving uncle= Flamin Gogh
His fruit lovingcousin= man Gogh
His sister who loves discos= Go Gogh

Voted best internet Joke of the year in 2007

sent in by Deena Bandhu dasa

A man got down on his knees beside his bed one nite and prayed, "Dear Lord, I have to go to work every day and I work so hard. My wife just stays at home. Is there any way you can switch us around?"

God in his infinite wisdom said, "Yes, my child, I can switch you around as you wish."

So in the morning, he woke up as the wife. His wife woke up as the husband. As the wife, she quickly got up and got the kids out of bed to get ready for school. She ran to the kitchen and got something for her husband to eat and he hurried off to work. Then she had to help the children get ready for school as they were lagging behind. Then she fed them breakfast, got them in the car and dropped them off at school. On the way home she dropped off the clothes at the dry cleaners. Then she cleaned up the big mess left by the children, cleaned up the kitchen and all the plates, vacuumed and cleaned the house. Then she went to the hair dressers and on the way home picked up something to make for children when they got home from school. Then she made something for them and fed them when they got home. Then she had to help the youngest with his homework. Then she went to pick up the clothes at the cleaners, and buy something for dinner. Then she prepared dinner and greeted her husband when he came home from work. Then she served dinner to everyone. While everyone else went to watch TV she had to clean all the pots, wash all the plates, clean the table, and put the leftovers in the fridge.

By this time she was totally exhausted and she just wanted to sleep. But her husband wanted to get intimate. Well she was really exhausted and wasn't really in the mood, but tried to do the best she could. And then fell asleep.

The next morning, she got down beside the bed, folded her hands, and prayed, "Dear Lord, is there anyway you could change us back?" In his infinite wisdom, God said, "Of course, my child. I can change you back again, but only after nine months. Last night, you got pregnant."

only in India

Once a lady went to the market for shopping. And suddenly se saw a shop which was never there before.
As she enters shes surprised, because God Himself is selling there some things.
"Oh God, what do you sell here?" she asks.
"Im selling here whatever you want."
"Ok, so I want to be happy, healthy.. and of course I want world peace, I want that nobody is starving and suffering..."
But God interrupted her: "My dear, you dont understand me. Im not selling here fruits, only seeds..."



A two seater cesna crashed into Dublin cemetary overnight. Rescue workers have recovered 800 bodies so far, and fear that there are many more still to be found.

Ramdas dasa ACBSP - AUS

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticedthe young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

"Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared, "Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."

from Stan Kegel

Darwin's theory  - how elephants evolved to have long trucks

A five-year-old was amazed by his grandfather's false teeth. He watched as Gramps removed his dentures, washed them and put them back in.

He asked to see it done again and again.

" Okay," said the grandfather humouring the child.
" Anything else?"

" Yeah," said the kid, " Now take off your nose. "

...the kid must have mistaken him for Michael Jackson.....LOL

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying,
" Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, " Fridge for sale, $50."

The next day, someone stole it.

Moral of the story:
People don't want things are are "worthless"

the guy's a genius

"A man went to his Master and said, 'Master, I feel like there are two dogs fighting inside me, a good dog and a bad dog.
Which one is going to win?' The Master said, 'The one that you feed the most.

told by Tanumadhya dasa ACBSP on Facebook

“If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".”

Subhanghi mataji ACBSP on Facebook

The doorbell rang and the little girl ran to open the door. In the doorway stood a man with a clipboard. He explained he was from the Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.

Coming over, drying her hands on her apron, the mother said, "Let's see. There's me and my husband, and my children Tracy, Katherine, Amanda, Alfred, Benjamin--' The census taker interrupted, saying, "I'm not interested in the names. The numbers will be enough."

The little girl pitched in. "We don't use numbers. We haven't run out of names yet!"

........to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
 
 "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket  because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
 
 "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want  a bed near the window?"

Not So Elementary Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good  dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.  "Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that  we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it  tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

how they did Google maps

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Dharma-setu prabhu - Auck

I have a friend who every Christmas comes to dinner in his wife's clothes.
Once a year he likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other guy calls the emergency.

He says: My friend is dead. What do I do? The operator says: Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he is dead.

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: OK, now what?

sent in by Shahin Maghsoudhi - Auckland

Holy paparazzi !!!!!

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


 

 Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.  Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
 
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
 
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
 

  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 189."

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Little Pauly is visiting Uncle Professor and, looking at the bookcase, asks Uncle, "What are all these books?"

Surprised, The.Old.Professor. replied that they were volumes of an encyclopedia.

"Really?" Said Pauly. "You mean somebody printed out the whole CD?"

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him.
Then, he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I ever go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my  boy up in the faith, put him through the University; he cost me a fortune,
then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

Praying even a child can do it.......

If you hear people talk behind your back, it only means you are at least a couple of steps ahead.



A paraprosdokian is a  figure of speech  in which the  latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
 
Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the  list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
 
Ø    War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
 
Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. My desk is a work station.
 
Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Ø    Some people are like Slinky’s ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

Ø   I  thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an  emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
 
Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"
 
Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
 
Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 
Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Ø    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
Ø    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
 
Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it  as when you are in it.

 Ø    If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

 Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

sent in by Gabriela Slezakova - Auck
 

Videos

Here's some examples of Flash mobs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDEJR-6paB0&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVuVhcdQs0k&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNT1FZBlI9s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmheWrZ9SGs&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uz6pTBEBTMA&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULtglogZbR8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXclwb_6LkE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T1ZKb0K6rI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o761BBLMGI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNS6rlirc7Q&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmvW0SUBgFY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNtFtm9--co&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtQTrldeQdI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=related

http://www.flashmobs.co.nz/flashmobsnewzealand.htm

sent to me by various friends over the last few months

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Interviewer: just imagine youare on the 3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...!!!

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile- 1 Miss Call".
(Had never thought of it)

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Colour of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

sent in by Yashi - Fiji

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I can't believe you actually clicked on that