Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Funny Videos

pool break
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV-3wV7gfo8&feature=player_embedded

yoga
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0LxzYxox8Q&NR=1

pizza delivery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dH3EDD_J9M&NR=1

meet the parents:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUwskzae7o8&feature=related

FBI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ur3IAWIoUc&feature=related

Bliss Cult
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNXdJMV_MBk&feature=related

Judge
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7UUWpE7yLM&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbfGLbTKyw&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXp8kA4MKBc&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biT1KhB_XyE&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed0oi1z5WXo&feature=player_embedded

sent in by Gabriela Slezakova

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick his butt."

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A friend of ours purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and we were concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we," we confidently declared.

One November night, the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My wife called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, she hung up.

"Apparently for the past 30 years," she muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Due to the down turn in the economy and rising energy costs the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off indefintely.

sent in by Bhaktimarg dd - NZ

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

 A nurse at the hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

The experts say we have to face our fears in order to conquer them. I was terrified of fire, clowns and heights,
so naturally I lit a clown on fire and hurledhim off a 20-story building.

The experts were right -- it worked! Problem is I have a new fear now: psychotic cellmates.

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.  The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to
get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

They just don't make jokes like this one anymore:

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke.

He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women.

However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.

She's been for a bath down at the river

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.  Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then that he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

  Did you ever wonder? 

A woman, who had been married and divorced twice, went on a hunting trip to South Africa.
 
In the course of the journey into the wilds, her safari group came across some cannibals.

The balance of the crew told her, "You're OK, but we must leave -- immediately!"

She inquired as to why she was OK, if the rest of them had to run for their lives.
 
The leader of the safari responded, "Cannibals learned years ago not to eat divorced women. They are always so bitter!"

Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were videotaped snorting drugs.
It was the first time people had ever seen lines go that fast at the airport."

-Jimmy Fallon

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, ofcourse, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so atleast you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'

Three race horses are  in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

There wasa devotee at the post office about to mail some of Srila Prabhupad's books to a friend across the country.
The postal worker asked "Is there anything breakable in this package?"
"Only the four regulative principles" replied the devotee.

Think about it:

Isn't Disney World a ' people trap ' operated by a mouse?

Degrees

Inmates at our Ohio prison are allowed to shine shoes in order to make a few extra bucks.
One day, I was having my shoes shined when the prisoner began to complain.

"Here I am with a degree, and I have to resort to shining shoes," he grumbled.

"What kind of degree do you have?" I asked.

Without looking up: "First degree."
-- Steven Ray

Smiles, grins & humor from the files of Reader's Digest
( http://click1.mail.beliefnet.com/fnrtslgdtzhwgcfdwbrlpwyzgswrtndsnbfrjbzsbbdhd_zbmlrlwzws.html )!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple a minutes ago ... "

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, What a shame,  he makes that little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

An Indian, a black man and a person of Polish extraction share an apartment. The rent is due soon and all three are unemployed, so they all go out to look for a job. That evening, they met to discuss their day.

The Indian says to his roommates, "I'm so disturbed that, me no find no job." The black man then says, "Yo man, I ain't hooked up no job either!" The Polish guy chimes in, "Hey, I found a job! The owner said all I had to do was show up on time at 8 A.M. and I could go to work!"

Knowing that the Indian woke really early and watched the sun rise, the Polack asked the Indian to wake him at 6:30am so he could get to work on time, and then went to bed. The black man liked to play practical jokes and talked the Indian into helping him play one on the Polish guy .

While the Polack slept the other two painted his face black.

The Indian woke the Polish guy  at 6:30 who then got dressed and went straight to his new job. When he got there, he told the owner he was ready to go to work. The owner said he didn't know what he was talking about. The Polish guy reminded him of his promise to put him to work if he showed up on time. The owner said that the guy he hired was white. The Polish guy  replied, "I am white." The owner said, "No you're not, you are black, go look in the mirror!"

The Polish guy  went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "That stupid damn Indian woke up the wrong guy!"

Govind is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary.
"It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some samosas on his way back from lunch and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then, the door flew open and in bounced Govind.

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Baradhwaj, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the samosas."

The ways of this material world - strange but true


Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cell block D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

An authority on African leopards was giving a lecture.

When he finished, he asked for questions. One man stood up and asked, "Is it true that leopards in Africa won't bother you if you carry a lighted torch?"

The speaker replied, "That my friend, depends on how fast you carry it."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

sent in by Rakesh Kumar - Masterton

Q: Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders of KFC fame yet?
A: Coz' Yamaraj can't decide whether to do him regular or crispy.



At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"

After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said: "Sin?"'

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one's body can die.

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between a little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"No, not at all."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of beans on toast.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the cup of tea ?"

Not the yuga dharma

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100.

The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself.

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet.

The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise."

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake,
and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How the heck did you start the earthquake?" he asked.

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?"
The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"

....orrrrrrrrrrrrr immunize your baby !!!!

A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa came to a fork in the road. He stopped, because there was no sign indicating which route went where.

Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

The lad replied, "Not to me it don't."

EngRish!

Wonderful EngRish from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

only in India

Teacher to student: "If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"

"Seven"

"Now, listen carefully. If I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"

"Seven."

"Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

"Six."

"Good. Now if I gave you two rabbits, and another two rabbits and another two, how many would you have?"

"Seven."

"Where do you get seven from?"

"Because I already have one rabbit at home."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you listen to them.

2. Change is inevitable, except of course from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule:

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will usually be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device used for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't creative enough to get out of jury duty.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

Mr. Kramer had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Kramer scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a: beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

the guy's a genius

The Old Professor takes his nephews, Pauly and Maury, to an art gallery in an (admittedly hopeless) attempt at making them more cultured.

At the entrance, the two young whippersnappers stop in front of an object and try and impress their Uncle.

Pauly: "The neo-plasticism of the design is a mystical, metaphysical, and non-humanistic approach to the visualized concept of representing
the human condition in abstract."

Not to be outdone, Maury says: "This object was brought about by a spontaneous dynamic sensation to create transcendental, partly
curvilinear expression in a non-cubist manner."

T.O.P.: "All right, you morons, that's the water cooler. Let's go inside where the paintings are."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, ....we did look, but you know, your client didn't."



During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

"Ohhh, it's my wife, she was just given to me in an arraged marriage." he said.

"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"

"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Hmmm,  My mother taught me I should always have on clean underwear in case I'm in an accident;
but then experience taught me they should always be MEN'S underwear.

Height of Addiction: A convict was about to be hanged. The judge asked him his last wish and he said..
"I WANT TO UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS..."

from Avadhuta prabhu Calcutta/Kolkata

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Stan Kegel

"Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver."
~Laurence J. Peter

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "...the premium would be much lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, come on, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

In the 18th century, fashion-conscious women plucked their eyebrows and
glued on strips of mouse-skin instead.
 
    "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months." OSCAR WILDE

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
 
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
 
The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
 
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and  Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."
 
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
 
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
 
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
 
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

Sorry Folks It's A Bad One...

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.

"What on earth are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail," says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.

"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."-- Rita Rudner

An interesting thought - If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people....
They're the ones who keep having gay babies!

Krishna helps His devotees

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is that people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Winston Churchill

"Fanaticism - to lose sight of the goal, yet to try even harder" - Charlie Brown to Snoopy

if you don't know where you are going any road will take you there

The politically incorrect sayings of W.C. Fields

1.     Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.~ W. C . Fields
2.     Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.~ W. C . Fields
3.     I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.~ W. C . Fields
4.     I don't drink water; fish f*ck in it.~ W. C . Fields
5.     I never met a kid I liked.~ W. C . Fields
6.     Start every day with a smile and get it over with.~ W. C . Fields
7.     The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.~ W. C . Fields
8.     The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. ~ W. C . Fields
9.     If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it.
10. Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
11. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.
12. Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
'My Little Chickadee' (1940 film)
13. There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
14. There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
15. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
16. Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
17. You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.
 
1.     Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.~ W. C . Fields
2.     Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.~ W. C . Fields
3.     After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.~ W. C . Fields
4.     Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again.~ W. C . Fields

1.     I was married once -- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.~ W. C . Fields
2.     Here lies W.C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. in Vanity Fair (1925) - his suggested epitaph for himself ~ W. C . Fields
3.     I always keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy. ~ W. C . Fields  in Corey Ford - "Time of Laughter" (1970)
4.     Never give a sucker an even break.  in Collier's 28 November 1925 ~ W. C . Field
 
1.     Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.
in Robert Lewis Taylor - "W.C. Fields: His Follies and Fortunes"
2.     Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
in Richard J. Anobile - "Godfrey Daniels
It was W.C. Fields' catch-phrase, and he is said to have used it in the musical comedy 'Poppy' (1923), although it does not occur in the libretto. It was used as the title of a W.C. Fields film in 1941.
3.     I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
in Richard J. Anobile - "Flasks of Fields" (1972)
'Never Give a Sucker an Even Break' (1941 film)
4.     Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
in William K. Everson - "Art of W.C. Fields" (1968)
'You can't cheat an honest man' (1939 film)
 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:   Maria.

Gurukul Teacher: why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Student:   You told me to do it without using tables.

Gurukul Teacher:  how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Student:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
Teacher:  No, that's wrong
Student:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it..

Gurukul Teacher:   your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

Student:   No, sir. It's the same dog.

This one left blank just to see who's paying attention.
 
 

"Hello Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the fruit shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, matter of fact you was my EngRish teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.  ~ Albert Einstein

Religion without philosophy is sentiment, or sometimes fanaticism, while philosophy without religion is mental speculation.
- Srila A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupad

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I can't believe you actually clicked on that