Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

.....if I were a terrorist:
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies1972.html

Complex Karmas video clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP59tQf_njc

May the swift wind at your back not be the result of the chick pea and cabbage you had for lunch.
An Irish Blessing

ooooops

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea."  Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences.  Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' one

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.  If you don't have sea all around you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson.  She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

7. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

8. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't
blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

9. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do  mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

Customer service

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now,
and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"

"Poisonous spiders in the fruit department."

Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds  and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

sent in by Pam Drysdale - Tauranga

A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she
didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked
for some identification, the woman showed her several
charge cards, her social security card and a library card.

The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the
woman said she didn't have one.

"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.

"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in
her wallet. "That's me in the back row."

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

Little Pratap walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Bindi why are you so damn ugly?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Pratap into the kitchen, and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!
"Because she is," said Little Pratap.
His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now!  I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"
Little Pratap goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Bindi, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I  picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in China".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like Chinese pens?"
I said, "No. Its not that, its just never learned to write Chinese."

  Did you ever wonder? 

What?????

A friend of ours who is a meat eater told us of this man who went out for dinner, and studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help.

"Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad."
"That sounds great. But please tell me how is your chicken prepared?"

"We break it to it very gently and tell it that it's nothing personal........."

Al Jazera Weather News

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms

A police  officer pulls over a speeding car. The  officer says, "  I
clocked you at 80miles per hour,  sir." The  driver says, "Gee,  officer I had it on cruise control at  60, perhaps your radar gun needs  calibrating."
 
Not  looking up from her knitting the wife  says: "Now  don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise  control."

As  the officer writes out the ticket, the driver  looks over at his wife  and  growls, "Can't  you please keep your mouth shut for  once?"
The  wife smiles demurely and  says, "You  should be thankful your radar detector went  off when it did."

As  the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal radar detector  unit, the man  glowers at his wife and says through clenched  teeth,  "Damit,  woman, can't you keep your mouth  shut?"

The  officer frowns and  says, "And  I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt,  sir. That's an automatic $75  fine." The  driver says, "Yeah  , well, you see officer, I had it on, but took  it
off when you pulled me over so that I could  get my license out of my back pocket."

The  wife says, "Now,  dear, you know very well that you didn't have  your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt  when you're driving."
And  as the police officer is writing out  the third ticket the driver  turns to his wife  and barks, "WHY  DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT  UP??"
 
The  officer looks over at the woman and  asks, "Does  your husband always talk to you this way,  Ma'am?"

She says,"Only  when he's been  drinking."

Since everything has gone "off shore" we now present "the Budget car" - some assembly required

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family of a weeping wife and their four children.

Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank heaven he didn't ask about the other three."

or Google Chrome

"This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message - Thank you for flying British Airways."

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."



A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her.

The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father."

"I know.", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains.
"So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where, I don't see them?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

OMG what will I ever do now????

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid!

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

The ways of this material world - strange but true

checking Facebook

Husband asks:  "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"
Wife says: "I'd take half and leave you!"
Husband replies: "Excellent, I won twelve dollars, here's your half, now get the hell out of here!"



A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

Due to the down turn in the economy and rising energy costs the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off indefintely.

sent in by Bhaktimarg dd - NZ

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as Chaplains at a local university.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and; Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.. He said "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like that, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

sent in by Pam Drysdale - Tauranga

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers.
She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man remarked,
"Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

Not the yuga dharma

The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928

a drowning man cannot save another drowning man.............

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Burfi, please," replied the youngster.

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

One Line Humor
 
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving..
 
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
 
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
 
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
 
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
 
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
 
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
 
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
 
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
 
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..
 
[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
 
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me..
 
[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
 
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
 
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
 
[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
 
[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
 
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
 
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you..
 
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something
 
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
 
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
 
[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality
just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
 
[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
 
[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like
asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
 
[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
 
[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

sent in by Yagnesh Rajani - Malawi
 

As my plane  was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
       "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.  It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.  The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
       The blonde lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look!  It just missed the highway!"



Sunil is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Sunil says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

only in India

  Old men may walk slow, but they can think "FAST"

  An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
  He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

  The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had
  some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over,
  as he hadn't been there for a while.

  He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
  dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
 
  One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
  naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

  Holding the bucket up he said,
  'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

  Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

A criminal defense lawyer who had previously got off the hook many guilty criminals awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation,
and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Did you hear about the boy from  a cannibal family who was suspended from school.

Yeah, apparently he was trying to butter up his teacher.

In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him.

The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.

So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."

"Great," the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle..

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup;
she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Frank, the Walmart greeter (doorman), sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

A Kiwi working for Tesco (supermarket chain) in London

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Stephanie, a young blonde was taking her first airplane flight. About one hour into the flight the pilot announced over the intercom,
"One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."

Stephanie, continued to read her "Glamour" magazine. About 30 miniutes later the pilot came on the intercom again and said,
"There is a second engine out, we will be about thirty miniutes late."

The Blonde passenger, looked up a bit concerned but returned to reading her magazine. Fifteen minutes after that the pilot once again came on the intercom and said, "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about one hour late arriving at our destination."

Blonde Stephanie turned to the man sitting next to her and said, "Boy if that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. Sorry man, you'll have to do that yourself."

My friend's first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached.
The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Lucy," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Na I got both of them at the store!"

The Hebrew teacher says to her class, "We have recently been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

"Aces," says Sarah.

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?
A church bell peals from the steeple.

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

OMG

To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:

(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and

(2) How to attract men.

AN ATTORNEY  I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Robert W. Cunningham
from The Reader's Digest

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework.
Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter. The first one is 'gross' and the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?"

A student says, "So, what are they?"

Miss Jones was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnnie, if your father earned $100.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?"

Little Johnny replied, "the answer must be 'a heart attack!'?"

One of the best marksman in the FBI was passing through a small town.
 
Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing marksmanship.
 
On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this incredible accuracy.
 
They were introduced and the FBI man quickly realized that man was the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy,
the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality? are you kidding.?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Pancham Pancharatra believed that five was his special number.
He was born on May 5th, had five children and lived at 555 East 55th Street.

At the Bangalore race track on his 55th birthday, he was surprised to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race.
So five minutes before the race, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand on Numero Cinco.

Sure enough, the horse finished fifth.

Sadar Singh's hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber.

"That stuff you gave me," he cried, "is terrible.  You  said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but  nothing's happened."

"I don't understand it," said the barber.  "That's the best hair restorer made."

"Well," said Sadar Singh, "I don't mind drinking another bottle, but it better work."

A zen moment

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

why bother with a six pack when you can have a keg???

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows.
He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

"Please doctor, you've got to help me! I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry, I'll put some cream on it."

"You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"You don't understand. I'll put some cream on the place where you were stung."

"Under a tree in my garden."

"I mean on the part of your body where you were stung."

"It was my finger. The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?"

"How should I know? All bees look the same to me"

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

I can't believe you actually clicked on that