Krishna Conscious - Vedikly acceptable Jokes

Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:

'Hasya' or humour, created using either a situation or a behaviour-mode, easily reveals in dialogues and gestures during a play but a difficult theme for a sculpture or painting. There are, however, some excellent examples of 'Hasya' in pictoral art also and these days in cartoons. Besides caricatures and 'bhangeris'-type characters, myths, legends or stories are also used for depicting humour. For example Lord Shiva is camping with Parvati under a tree in the forest. As Shiva is adorned with serpents, a serpent, drapes across the otherwise naked form of Shiva like a loincloth, is covering his private parts. Hearing of him being there under the tree, Lord Vishnu, along with Garuda, His faithful vehicle, comes to pay him homage. The snake, as soon as it sees the bird carrier Garuda, his natural enemy, abandons Shiva leaving him all exposed and naked and flees into an anthill. It is humour by situation. Deliberate tricks and or sarcasm, usually bringing forth the philosophy and culture, sometimes in Krishna-related themes, are also used for creating humour.

To read more about Hasya visit our pages

FOR YOUR INTEREST: This one is not a joke but I thought you might like to know. These are the names of Lord Caitanya taken from the book "Sri Caitanya Sahasra Nama Stotra", i.e. "A Thousand Names of Lord Caitanya" by Srila Kavi Karnapura (as translated by HG Kusakratha Prabhu from the Krsna Institute)...

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

"Any gentleman should be a little humorous."

- Srila Prabhupada (Letter to Kurusrestha 75-09-26)(26th Sept 1976)


"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:


* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007

This is a MUST READ =>;-Q

Four Wives parable:

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference

12 days of Xmas Indian style

.....if I were a terrorist:

Complex Karmas video clip

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
  The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.  And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n... The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
live long and prosper, ariandra

kindly sent in by Atmananda prabhu ACBSP - Auck

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president. She was right on with this one!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in  Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to  New Orleans  to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the  Florida  alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?  Yes!
Think about these:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.......why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or a possibility of 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
Plus, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? .......

I don't think so.


Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.

Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY ( daytime chat show)
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER?ER ... Three?

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?"

Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?"

Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Kurt said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

....I'll get by with a little help from my friends.......

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."

When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out:
"Now here where it says ‘List names of children,' you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."

"Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman.

"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.

"Oh, den I uses the last names." (the father's name)

Shyamasundara dasa ACBSP

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears.
They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They
would never have the family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.

"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go
to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from
your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have you baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,

"This is the answer to our prayers!"

Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone.

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park,
until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.

"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

I went to the movies last night.


Cars crashing, buildings burning, people fighting with guns and knives.
.........And that was just on my way home.


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

sent in by Shyamasundara prabhu ACBSP

Dumb Dora just texted me & asked, "What Does IDK stand for?"
I said..."I don't Know"
She said "0MG,Nobody Does!"

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down
with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

from Patricia

no kidding !!!!

Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas,
but if he buys her a vacuum cleaner, it's a death sentence?

A friend was telling us how having grown up just outside New York City, he barely knew a cow from an ear of corn.
Until, that is, he married a small-town Ohio girl.

While he was in seminary school, he had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community.
The day of his first sermon, he tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

With his wife sitting in the first pew, he began his discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

adi-bhautik klesha

  Did you ever wonder? 

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

It is an aggravated assault In Louisiana, to bite someone with
your false teeth, but simple assault if you bite someone with your natural teeth.

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?"

The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again."

The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one.

The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again.
The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?"

and thus is how creation took place.........

On the way back from a  Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question.

'Dad, I know  that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the  first place?' he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.

'You don't have to make something  up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the  answer.'

from Patricia

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice.

Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have the dog watch this?"

A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away. Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again.

After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"

"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.

"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,
" I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do? "
He replied, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Fighting high gas prices

A big time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back
into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced,
"What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, the fish was dead

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

NASA putting a different perspective on things:

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published."

The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."

"Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

No matter how hard my mom tries, every plant or flower she has attempted to grow seems to wither and die an untimely death under her care. But she never gives up hope. While she was visiting home recently, my sister nudged me and pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window.

"Look," she whispered, "its death row."

The ways of this material world - strange but true

The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

and at the end, the mourners wondering too.


If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried!

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is"UP."

It's easy to understandUP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wakeUP?  At a meeting, why does a topic comeUP?  Why do we speakUP and why are the officersUPfor election and why is itUPto the secretary to writeUPa report?

We callUPour friends.  And we use it to brightenUPa room, polishUPthe silver, we warmUPthe leftovers and cleanUPthe kitchen.  We lockUPthe house and some guys fixUPthe old car.  At other times the little word has real special meaning.  People stir UPtrouble, lineUPfor tickets, workUPan appetite, and thinkUPexcuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressedUPis special.

And thisUPis confusing:  A drain must be openedUPbecause it is stoppedUP.We openUPa store in the morning but we close itUPat night.

We seem to be pretty mixedUPaboutUP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses ofUP,look the wordUPin the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4th of the page and can addUPto about thirty definitions. If you areUPto it, you might try buildingUPa list of the many waysUPis used.  It will takeUPa lot of your time, but if you don't giveUP,you may windUPwith a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is cloudingUP!.  When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes thingsUP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dryUP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap itUP,for now my time isUP, so........... it is time to shutUP.....!

Oh . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?  U-P

if at first you don't succeed - maybe learning to fly isn't for you

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life..' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'

The whole audience including priest started laughing..... excepting the poor groom!

LISP: To call a spade a thpade.

Wondering why my niece was returning to college to get a masters in philosophy, I  asked "What can you do with a degree like that?"

"Well," she explained "It will qualify me to deal with questions like 'What  is existence?' 'What is the essence of things.' and 'Do you want fries with that?"

20 foot backward flip

Not the yuga dharma

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the buffone, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil.

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."


.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:


ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. Unfortunately for the existing entente cordiale between two great nations, she was the Sultana.

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce

A friend lecturing in Latin America was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

He arrived at the hall a bit early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being resourceful, he went to the part of the auditorium where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he'd offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So
he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said,
"Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

Mr Agrawal applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience.
He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Mr Agrawal came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Mr Agrawal replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

only in India

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver just insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said................

' Burrr-Gurrr-King'

sent in by Gary Kearns Q8

A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor:  "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation."

Trucker:  "Yeah, I feel really sick."

Assessor:  "All right then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?"

Trucker:  "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job."

Assessor:  "And what about the cabin in which you drive?"

Trucker:  "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined."

Assessor:  "What about the waste itself?  Where is that kept?"

Trucker:  "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."

Assessor:  "Let me see if I get this straight.  You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container."

Trucker:  "Yeah, that’s right.  All lead."

Assessor:  "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning."

Trucker:  "I'm not suing for radiation poison.  I claiming for lead poisoning!"

A tourist is walking on a country road, when a farmer comes along with his horse-drawn cart.
 "Excuse me, is this the road to Vrindavan?" the tourist asks.

"Yes, it is," says the farmer.

"How far is it?"

"Half an hour by cart."

"May I ride with you?"


After half an hour, the tourist begins to grow uneasy. "How much further is it to Vrindavan by cart?" he queries.

"Oh, an hour or so."

"What? You told me it was only half an hour away, and we have been traveling that long already!"

"Yes, but in the opposite direction."

Do not put statements in the negative form.

"Don't worry, I can stay up late tonight," Jalandhar told his friend Bobinder. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bobinder asked.

"No, it was her idea."

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there's no I in the word marriage."

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Seated at dinner, the cannibal murmured, I don't care for your friend at all.

His wife replied, "So, eat your vegetables."

Sardar and Practical Exam

In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You are failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name


Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one's body can die.

The Story of STUFF

Changing the face of the Earth - its no joke

  New economic world view

1 The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building
 standing. It's called the stock market.

 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?
 Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street

 3. What's the difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker?
 The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW..

 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Jupiters
 Casino on the Gold Coast and an investment banker?  A tie!

 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is: that on the left side
nothings right and on the right side nothing's

 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria if you get any emails from Wall
Street  asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

 7. The president was asked about the credit crunch.
 He said it was his favorite candy bar.

 8. The President's response was to meet some small business owners in San
 Antonio last week.  The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.

sent in by Shyamasundara prabhu ACBSP

 New Stock Market Terms

 CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

 BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investment banker to
 mistake himself for a financial genius.

 BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and
The  wife gets no jewellery.

 VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

 P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

 BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

 STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

 STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

 STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

 FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

 CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down th toilet.

 YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share

sent in by Shyamasundara prabhu ACBSP

sent in by Shyamasundara prabhu ACBSP

.......and always remember (don't forget...)

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:


I can't believe you actually clicked on that