Krishna Conscious - Vedikly acceptable Jokes


Healing with humour: Taking better care of ourselves  =>;-))
http://www.hknet.org.nz/healthNhumour.html
Visit our Hasya Rasa pages

Laughter Therapy - its no joke:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/yod/march98/news.htm

'Hasya' or humour, created using either a situation or a behaviour-mode, easily reveals in dialogues and gestures during a play but a difficult theme for a sculpture or painting. There are, however, some excellent examples of 'Hasya' in pictoral art also and these days in cartoons. Besides caricatures and 'bhangeris'-type characters, myths, legends or stories are also used for depicting humour. For example Lord Shiva is camping with Parvati under a tree in the forest. As Shiva is adorned with serpents, a serpent, drapes across the otherwise naked form of Shiva like a loincloth, is covering his private parts. Hearing of him being there under the tree, Lord Vishnu, along with Garuda, His faithful vehicle, comes to pay him homage. The snake, as soon as it sees the bird carrier Garuda, his natural enemy, abandons Shiva leaving him all exposed and naked and flees into an anthill. It is humour by situation. Deliberate tricks and or sarcasm, usually bringing forth the philosophy and culture, sometimes in Krishna-related themes, are also used for creating humour.

To read more about Hasya visit our pages

FOR YOUR INTEREST: This one is not a joke but I thought you might like to know. These are the names of Lord Caitanya taken from the book "Sri Caitanya Sahasra Nama Stotra", i.e. "A Thousand Names of Lord Caitanya" by Srila Kavi Karnapura (as translated by HG Kusakratha Prabhu from the Krsna Institute)...

        So Lord Caitanya is known as the one:

 - hasya-kari  &  hasya-yuk  ==> who laughs & jokes

 - hasya-priya  ==> who is fond of joking

 - hasya-nagara ==> who is the hero of those expert in speaking joking words

 - hasya-grami  &  hasya-kara  ==> is expert at joking

 - pushpa-hasa  ==> whose smile & laugh are as charminng as flowers.

Lord Gauranga's smiling & laughing qualities ki...

                                                ys Radhe Govinda dasa

P.S. One of the qualities of Srimati Radharani is that she is very expert in the art of joking.

SOME FACTS ABOUT HUMOUR

"With devotion steeped in love and affection, the yogi should meditate within the core of his heart upon the laughter of Lord Vishnu. The laughter of Vishnu is so captivating that it can be easily meditated upon. When the Supreme Lord is laughing, one can see His small teeth, which resemble jasmine buds rendered rosy by the splendor of His lips. Once devoting his mind to this, the yogi no longer desires to see anything else." ~ S.P., Srimad-Bhagavatam 3-23-33 "Kapila's Instructions on Devotional Service"

SCIENCE - After surgery but prior to the administration of pain medication, patients were told one-liner jokes. Those patients who were exposed to the humor experienced less pain in comparison to the other surgery patients who didn't get a dose of humor as part of their therapy. ~ Summary from study published in  ' Journal of Holistic Nursing'

Medical experts (Dr. Derk & Dr. Wiilliiamsburg) reveal that a powerful laugh will relax tensed muscles, brings more oxygen into the system and more quickly, lowers blood pressure, and offers a free, overall health benefits on many levels! And its free!. (If the FDA could manufacture a medicine like this, they'd charge a bundle.)

Loma Linda University Cali study by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan showed that physiological responses that were produced from belly laughter, were the opposite of what is seen in classical stress, thereby offering yet more evidence that laughing produces healthy or positive emotions.

Results of research by Dr. Lee Berk and Dr. Stanley Tan (Loma Linda U of Ca) indicated that after a good belly laugh, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, such as: increased number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.

If it tickles your funny bone then chances are it will reduce the stress in your life and leave your immune system to do its part. This premise has been supported by both the field of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. A recent publication with research data appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Skin welt sizes were compared in patients suffering from severe allergies after one group watched a video featuring Charlie Chaplin and the other group listened to a documentary on weather. Needless to say, the Japanese study confirmed a reduction in skin welt size in the group watching the famed comedian. [FROM CNN.COM]  CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, February 13, 2001:

MORE SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS ABOUT LAUGHTER

* Laughter stimulates physical healing.
* Laughter enhances our individual creativity.
* Laughter is rejuvenating and regenerating.
* Laughter is good for relationships (that includes friendships).
* Laughter opens the heart.
* Laughter gives us a glimpse of freedom from the mind. (In other words, helpful for getting off the mental platform!)

~~ Articles by N. Lehrman in Archives of Internal Medicine, April 26,1993; Lee Berk, Dr. P.H. in Loma Linda University School of Medicine News, March 11,1999; N.Silver in American Health, November 1986; J. McCormick in Lancet, August 1994.

"We are less likely to succcummb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body." Patty Wooten, author of 'Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success'

SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS - Controlled studies have given evidence that a good belly laugh has lowered serum cortisol levels, increased amounts of activated T lymphocytes, increased number and activity of natural killer cells, and increased the number of T cells that have helper/ suppresser receptors. Or to sum it up: laughter off-sets the immunosuppressive effects of stress and is therefore significantly improves the health of the immune system. - Discoveries by Dr. Berk and Dr. Tan, Loma Linda University.

Evidence (from EEG) revealed that when a joke is just about to be told, the initial anticipation results in  the brains cortex's left hemisphere starting the function of analyzing of word processing. Next, most brain activity moved to the frontal lobe (the center of emotions). After that, the right hemisphere's synthesis mix with the left's processing to look for and locate the pattern or to be able to "get" the joke. Very quickly following, though just prior to the persons had quite enough time to laugh, brain waves increase and spread to   the occipital lobe which is the sensory processing areas of the brain. There was an increase in fluctuations of delta waves which reached a crescendo of activity and crested as the brain 'got' the joke followed by the recipient beginning of laughter. So here you have 'scientific' knowledge how laughter works, integrating the brain and getting it to all function together, thanks to Dr. Derk & Dr. Williamsburg. Now, stop analyzing and start laughing! :-) You have facts that it's actually beneficial for a variety of health issues, so don't minimize its importance and start giving yourself permission to take out time each day to laugh.  Like a vitamin or even a meal, it's a necessity!

Courtesy of mother Pritaa ACBSP's site http://www.geocities.com/priitaa108/humor.htm

Laugh Yoga with Bir Krishna Goswami

Laugh Yoga during a picnic in Helsinki
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2932828682381191751

Laugh Yoga with Master Laugh Therapist BK Goswami - Laugh Yoga at It's Best In Split Croatia - 1 hr 41 min 49 sec - Aug 30, 2007
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5224249030279265816


This is a MUST READ =>;-Q
http://www.digitalsawdust.com

Four Wives parable:
http://www.hknet.org.nz/4wives.pps

The sound of one hand clapping !!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8muy8XHN52I

sent in by Jayasri mataji - Auckland

 Click on this link to see how really short life is.
http://www.sastradana.com/video/lifeisshort.wmv

sent in by Shyamasundar prabhu ACBSP

Angry mouths flip out at a Press Conference
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ym9hMtpk9d4

12 days of Xmas Indian style
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
      The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children; and so all  mankind was made."
      Two days later she asks her father the same question.  Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."
      The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
      The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple.  I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."



 


A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma
comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"



Atheist Holiday

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays.

He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate...

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared. 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other Atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date. April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday. Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!


There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"
 

............. and that's when the fight started . .


Dumbest kid in the world? or not  !!!!
 

 A young boy enters a barber shop in Vrindavan and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I play this game with him."

 The barber puts a Two Rupee bill in one hand and two 50 paisa coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

 The boy looks and takes the two 50 Paisa coins and leaves.

 "What did  I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

 Later, the customer leaves and he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son, may I ask you a question? Why do you take the two 50 Paisa coins instead of the two Rupee bill?"

 The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the Two Rupee bill, the game's over!"

oooops



A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"


A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he
leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes"

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG, shoots him in the head and kills him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man. "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!"


Dinesh was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?"
Dinesh replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"
"Sooooo Dinesh", The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?"
Dinesh replied, "The same place you got that train!"

In a small town in India , a person decided to open up a Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple .

The Temple & itscongregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.Work progressed.  However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsiblefor the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop ' s demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appearsfrom the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power ofprayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't !

send in by Bhaktine Nicki Stewart

  Did you ever wonder? 


A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.

"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First, I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick witted, and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist interrupted, "It's *your* child!"




A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."


I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Sanjay, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."

Sanjay went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Sanjay calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."


"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy Anil.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."



Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow , Pink and Green.’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow ‘,
this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

from Madhava Ghosha prabhu New Vrindavan

The ways of this material world - strange but true

Dog For Sale:      free to good home.

Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit'


A sannyasi, known for his extra lengthy Bhagavatam classes, was giving a lecture when he noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his class. The man returned just before the conclusion of the class.

Afterward the Swami asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," the man replied.

"Well," said the irritated sannyasi , "why didn't you think to do that before the Bhagavatam class started?"

"Because," the gentleman said calmly, "I didn't need one then."
 

from Caru prabhu ACBSP's newsletter http://www.utahkrishnas.com



Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."  The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"  The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"  The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one."

They say life is full of uncertainties...BUT maybe they could be wrong about that?


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


now that's some dental braces eh?

Not the yuga dharma


UNIVERSALIST, n.
One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/devilsdictionary/

.......more optical illusions and paradigm twists here:

VALOR, n.
A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.

Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/devilsdictionary/


SIXTEEN PIECES OF HUMOROUS ADVICE FROM KIDS:

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer."
-Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-Eileen, age 8




An Impersonalist Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question.  "My dear Lord," he said.  "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies.  But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing.  Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it."  He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."

"Oh, that's easy," was the reply.  "Many hands make light work."



Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?" as they do.........

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up. "Is it dark yet?"


A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."


sent in by Sridhar Kallidai - Auckland



In memory of my dear departed Mother

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about: THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother t aught me about: STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. M y mother taught me about: ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
'I swear you're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about: MY ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do y ou think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. My mother taught me about: JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'

Stan Kegal


.......and always remember (don't forget...)
SMILE IT MAKES THE WORLD WONDER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO ;)

Please Try our little Colour Test - Right Brain vs Left Brain:
http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf


 
 














































































































I can't believe you actually clicked on that